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please don't rock this boat.

resting snug in between the full moon and the winter solstice. this whole year has been a lot about me clawing my way out of various things. I am very weary. It's been about truly getting to know my grandma, and trying to hear her in the dead of night when not another soul is there. Listening to see if she's really swinging for me, even in all my mis- steps. It's been about reconnecting with God but trying to figure out who he is, and in that search at times has felt extremely difficult to connect. It's still me, out at sea. It's been sabatoge in a lot of ways, and a struggle with self love, still.

It's always been a struggle with self love, and I wander from place to place or person to person and only find that I'm facing the same demons over and over and over in different scenarios. And these scenarios can be so so blatant, like... Ok Melissa, this is the PERFECT chance for you to move differently. This opportunity to set a boundary and speak up for yourself or walk away has fallen into your lap, take it. These incredible gifts. And I've accepted a few of those gifts, but ignored many more of them. It leaves me sad at the end of the day and when I look up at the moon I say "are you disappointed?" But then I realize that by asking that, I'm creating the same patterns in my head that uphold my downfall. So instead I shall say to the moon when it's staring at me, "I know you still love me...thank you for that. I'm gonna need you for this next trick."

I long to be creative again. That feeling of knowing just what to write, or visions of art dancing through my mind's eye as I kneel to pray at night. The most beautiful inspirations. They haven't been around lately. I've been completely caught up in some extreme territory. Territory I've never once walked in my life until a few months ago. It makes me laugh a little I'm checking off all these boxes in my life of things to experience.

I've had the get married young as a virgin experience, be traumatized by sex experience, get divorced, check. That was a ride. Test out a few more relationships well before I'm ready, check. Act like a total white trash single mom living off the government and yelling at her boyfriend for all the neighbors to hear. CHECK.

I can be so much more than this, and I already am. The moon knows it, I know it, no one else needs to know it.


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