london suit, sunday smile
a sharp little pin forsaken again prodded their way in time to digress saw themself out practically sewing me a new dress. but mystery is too great to fit through the eye this time my neck secures a bow-tie at the end of a summer I turn and salute put up my hair, button my suit wish me all the luck...... "you're glistening" you said to me as if it was the prettiest thing sweat and tears thrown in the ring never the essence of me the fool rushes in takes a swing to usher in the end of me fools rush out as fast as they came while brilliantly I stand in the same pouring rain that made mud out of sand quick, there's gold in this land. I woke up one morning, never the same and yet, I've never changed sins of omission traded for gold brush me off lightly, please a fist of a hand isn't easy to hold my last Ace is the heart on my sleeve my dress laid down for a time to rest in my field of clovers never forget, my Sunday best was never meant to be trampled over the beauty of my suit and tie beheld by my own eye but never forget, that in my dress is where my mystery and essence lie I will long to wear it again when the gold rush ends not for a fool not for pretend
I've been fascinated the past few years about the concept of feminine/masculine energy.
Dear Samaritan is about love. It's my love letter to the world or the world's love letter back. Through my playing cards and poems, it's a way for me to make sense of significant relationships in my life through stories and art.
The playing cards started about at the end of my almost 9 year marriage. The Queen of Diamonds was the first card I made. The poem for her reads:
Truth teller to the Queen;
Your diamond fled your ring
The Kingdom left you spineless, and feeling icey cold
Do not send for a King
Send for back up
Send for back bone
Send for a Joker with a heart of gold
I never intended to make a whole series out of it. I was just using art as a creative outlet as a mother of young kids at home. But as I made this art and wrote this poem, I was shocked at what came out. The poem held so much meaning to me and felt so honest. It felt like I was finally able to say how I felt in a way that gave me courage to say it. It was incredible and empowering.
Over the course of the next few years I proceeded to make all the Kings, Queens, Jacks, Aces, Wild Card and Joker with their respective poems. They are all a direct reflection of some type of way that I have felt in relationships. I covered a lot of ground. Rejection, abandonment, infidelity, boredom, lust, conquest, anger, inadequacy. Mostly a bunch of negative aspects of romantic relationships. Why was I so focused on all the heartbreak and resentment? I don't know, but what I do know is this entire project was healing and enlightening for me.
Masculine and feminine energy doesn't apply solely to a relationship. It is also a solitary sojourn of finding out where the true harmonic balance of the masculine and feminine reside within you. In relationship, the other person's balance comes into play when you attempt to unify. And even if you are somewhat balanced, if their energies clash with yours instead of complimenting, it causes problems. One or both parties can be so out of tune with their own dueling energies that disaster can ensue.
What I have found to be so very true for me is that I have been leaning so far into a masculine energy that is severely inauthentic to me. I am much more inclined to live in a realm of feminine. My life requires otherwise. I have so many duties and responsibilities that require tasks and doing, doing doing. When all I really need to do to feel centered is to just be.
I believe that all my relationships and especially during the lack of one, I am being taught to correctly route my masculine energy in a way that enhances my feminine, without the second party needing to fulfill that for me.
In my relationships I have operated in a certain way because that's the way I would want to be loved. So when my high school boyfriend laid his head on my lap in my car every night parked in front of his house and I would massage his hair for hours sometimes, for me it was the ultimate manifestation of love. Because it was really just something I wanted for myself.
When I make a meal for someone and bring it to them in their bed, it's something I've been waiting to experience my entire life.
I will admit, I prefer to have a masculine partner. I once read something about masculine energy being a container and feminine energy being water, and without the container the water is just a puddle on the floor.
Oh goodness what a puddle I have been.
I'm not inclined to work smart. It's hard for me to be the provider for my family. I don't like it. I do work very hard but it causes resentment, burnout, and exhaustion. The desire I have to just sink into my feminine and just be. The desire I have to lay my head in someone else's lap. For my pillow to be fluffed or my bath to be started for me, and I don't believe anyone has ever once cooked a meal for me...yet.
I want to Be with my kids. Be home. Be in my feelings. Be with my family. Have a family.
The bowtie for me represents my own journey of finding a true, healthy balance between the energies. It is the quest to get in proper touch with my masculine in a way that works for me. It requires me to strengthen parts of me that I didn't want to have to. But doing so is beyond rewarding. Even though the desire I have for a partner that allows me to sink into the feminine is very prevalent, I believe I can find a way to fulfill that role within me.
I think this will help me to have much healthier relationships in the future. But the process has been really heartbreaking and difficult.
Wearing a bow-tie helps. It puts a pretty little image to my struggle, and that in itself is a way I have found to take care of myself. I cope through stories, poems, and metaphors. And that I believe, is my more masculine self coming out to play. As I try to steer away from the false masculine that takes over my life and drives the car into a lake.