if I ever let you out of bed, without a kiss to the center of your head

Mid-prayer.... I was asking. Where did the peace and the love go? Where did my Grandma and the magic go? All the little winks and all the little nods I used to get from the Universe. Why did they just disappear? Like all my angels have scattered.

The answer came quickly and without any room for an argument.

"We did not disappear. You did."

Fair enough. I have disappeared. But where have I gone to? I have forgotten who I am, but what does that make me in the mean time?

I can only imagine the fun my Grandma and my daughter are having right now. Thinking of it is what keeps me going every day. Them, on a summer night at dusk somewhere, tending the garden together. They laugh and cry together so much. They talk about me a lot, plant seeds for me, make wishes for me. They call out for me. "Melissa, where are you??" Blowing dandelion ghosts my way.

If I could locate myself, before my baby is born. Grandma, please send her here in peace. Please let her arrival be beautiful, blissful, wonderful and happy. Let nothing get in the way of that. At all costs.

Let God carry me, let me carry her, let this all been done in strength, and love for self. Let these pathways I have walked be enough for the both of us, so that she doesn't have to walk the same paths. Let me learn the hard way so she never, ever has to.